Tuesday, April 24, 2012

If You Hate the New Blogger

Ashley shares how to get the old Blogger interface back (it works - I did it)

Monday, April 23, 2012


Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wal-Mart Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Wal-Mart

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff. I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Friday, April 13, 2012

Life As We Know It

I can't remember where I swiped this from. It's been on my desktop for quite a while.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The End is Nigh

Last week SmartPak advertised breeches on sale for the fuller figured woman (in my case, fat) I love the comfort of breeches and have two pair in black that I wear for lessons. Unfortunately my profile closely resembles Alfred Hitchcock so I always wear overhanging tops in the hope that it will disguise my gut. I'm sure the horse will tell you that this in no way fools her when my lard butt is on her back.

I am toying with the idea of competing in one dressage show this summer. The trainers at the barn think I'm ready for a walk/trot class. I still haven't decided, although I will have to soon as they will be planning their show schedule later this month.

Anyway, this is a long-winded entry to say that I ordered a pair of light tan breeches which arrived yesterday. They fit, so that is one item out of the way if I do decide to compete. I still need a proper shirt (a piece of clothing with an unfriendly neckline to a double chin) and jacket. I'd love to have good boots but at my level (bottom of the barrel) I can get away with paddock boots and half chaps. I'd also like a better helmet than my shiny Troxel but these are investments that can wait.

I am actually making a half-assed attempt at diet and exercise. Not for my health, naturally, but have you seen the girls/women who compete at English shows? Twigs, I tell you!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Craigslist Strikes Again

Yellow lab 9 weeks old, male, parents are pure bread American and English yellow labs. Moving must sell $400 call ###-####.

"Moving must sell." Dude, really? Most reputable breeders will not sell a puppy before it is eight weeks old (but this is Craigslist so all bets are off) It appears to me that you've had this pup for one or two weeks and have "just" discovered you have to move? Liar, liar, pants on fire.

I think you are some low-life who scooped up a "pure bread" (WTH?) puppy for cheap or free and are now trying to make some money off it. Not to mention that it is against the rules to sell pets on Craigslist. End of rant...

Last Monday's lesson was "awesome." Friday, once again I rode as if I'd never been on the back of a horse before. Fortunately I got myself straightened out and had a really good go at trotting a pattern over poles (we stayed in the middle - yay!) We (me and the horse/team concept) completely missed some of the poles the first few attempts. I've had using my legs and torso to steer drilled into my head so much that I hesitate to use the reins. I hope to talk to my trainer during today's private lesson to get a better idea of what is acceptable. I know not to saw at the horse's mouth, but not using the reins at all sends us out into no man's land instead of the desired direction.

Introduced a friend to Goodreads so she is now bugging me to update my reading list. I was happy just reading the monthly newsletter. She is also planning to write reviews. Overachiever.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Nuff Said

Trayvon Martin, 17, was killed on February 26 in Sanford, Florida, by George Zimmerman, 28, a white and Hispanic (emphasis mine) neighborhood watch volunteer who has claimed he acted in self defense and has not been charged with a crime.

This is bullshit. And by "this" I mean the insistence upon pointing out the evil white aspect of Zimmerman's heritage. You never see Obama referenced as white and black. Hell no, he is the first black president, for the most part ignoring his mother (although she is the one who gives him his oft-questioned U.S. residency legitimacy)

Talk about reverse discrimination.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Uninspired Ramblings

Spring is in the air and the snow seems to be melting at a reasonable rate without flooding everywhere. It's getting up into the 40's during the day and 20's at night. Bart discovered the joy of digging in the mud yesterday and we have the footprints on the carpet to prove it.

The memorial for J at the barn was lovely. I only stayed for about an hour and a half but there seemed to be a steady flow of visitors. I had helped scrub stalls the day before so everything was spic and span. There was a nice array of photographs displayed. J had been an artist prior to her disabling accident and they had some of her artwork exhibited. There was also a screen hooked up to a DVD player showing her back in the day when she was still riding. There were blank books scattered around where people could write their memories. I don't think her girls could have put together a nicer tribute.

I am volunteering at grooming one day a week in addition to my twice weekly lessons. Hopefully my body is getting in better condition. I helped lug around 30 pound packages of stall bedding last Saturday. That's almost as good as lifting weights, right?

I am improving my balance while in the saddle and had an awesome lesson this past Monday. The majority of the time was spent riding without stirrups and using my legs to get the horse to travel in a large circle. Somehow this is improved by keeping my eyes focused not only in the center of the circle, but up, almost to the ceiling. I don't get it but it works. I have to remember to keep my right shoulder up and back because I can't spend the rest of my life riding with my hand on top of my helmet.

One of my friends had hernia surgery a while back so she and I have been watching movies together once a week. So far we've seen Buck, Sex and the City 1 and 2, and the old Disney classic Sleeping Beauty. Yesterday we splurged and saw Mirror Mirror at a theater. It was okay - at least I didn't feel that I'd entirely wasted my money. What really surprised me is that I now want to see Dark Shadows with Johnny Depp. It looked really funny, which I didn't expect, plus the music is from the seventies, right up my era. There is also a Pixar film called Brave that's supposed to be released this summer that looked cute.