Conflicted

A man that worked where I used to (too large an employer to really consider a co-worker) committed suicide the week before last. We were acquaintances and I always enjoyed talking to him and even went so far as to buy him something that reminded me of him once and bake him a birthday cake another time. He was a single guy, kind of quirky, and I admit other than asking about him when I met with friends, really didn't think about him. I still am very saddened at this news and hope he didn't die thinking no one cared about him.

There is going to be a memorial potluck for him this evening. I can't decide if I want to attend or not. I know some of the people who will be there and I'm sure there will be others I've never met. That's not really my problem. I just have a deep and abiding hate for potlucks. Why can't people get together without making a party out of it? Maybe I'll just bring a big old box of wine and we can all get drunk and reminisce.

This is supposedly an occasion to meet his sister and niece. Prior to his death the sister didn't know where he worked and was surprised to see how much he looked like their father. Obviously not a close-knit family. Should I participate in what might be considered a farce?

I know deep down I don't want to go so probably won't. We'll see. Guilt may yet inspire me; I find it's my greatest motivator. I always hoped that when I became an adult I wouldn't have to do stuff I didn't want to. How is it now, more than ever, I'm forced into unwanted situations?