Saturday, January 22, 2011

Musings on Marriage

It’s not so much my coworkers as it is their ability to talk that annoys me. Swiped from Shoebox

A partial entry from Jon
I've never known a genuinely happily married couple (this has nothing to do with Janet and the soldier). Most of the couples I know are either divorced or completely miserable. Or have been "happily" married four or five times.

Oh, sure, a few of tham fake being happy. If you examine the fake ones closely, you'll discover that they have begun to look like each other and act like each other and are strangely unable to function without each other. It's scary.

This is reality as he sees it. I, however, believe there are exceptions. My husband and I have been married for 35 years. Making it work at times has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Has it been worth it? Well, that depends on how I feel on any particular day. I think there are pros and cons to both marriage and being single. I copied the observation about talking co-workers as that is how I feel some days. I am shouting, "Shut up, shut up, shut up" inside my head. I don't care or am not in the mood to hear the current rant. Then there are days when I feel like when we first met - so much in love that my heart overflows. So yeah, maybe some days I'm faking being happy but not always. I'm positive it works both ways as I'm not as perfect as I'd like you to believe.

Jon's probably right in that learning to live in harmony with another person does create the illusion of being joined at the hip. You learn to compromise and pick your battles and if you didn't agree on the majority of life's issues, why in the heck are you together in the first place? I suppose some enjoy and even seek out conflict but that is not my ideal relationship. As you get older you do become more dependent on your partner and your household roles become more fixed. I dust and vacuum - he plows the snow and fixes the cars. We both cook and wash dishes. What works for us may not for other couples. I also want to add that we both have separate interests that we pursue without the other. My husband is bored to tears at the idea of riding a horse around and around a ring. I refuse to ride on the back of his Harley, although that is how we initially met. I know he would love for me to ride along but I can't get past the the crappy road conditions and insane drivers in Alaska. I probably would ride if we were still in California.

I'm sure we've all known or heard of widows or widowers who become practically immobile when their partner dies. Is it the loss of the individual or the complete lifestyle adjustment that causes this? I don't know but it's sad either way. I believe if you have a positive outlook you can soldier through almost anything.

This is getting way too long. Had a so-so riding lesson yesterday. The mare kept trying to yank the reins out of my hands. The kid who mucks the stalls had observed earlier how strong she is. One of these days she's going to yank me over her head and boy, will I be sorry.


  1. I really wanted to respond to Jon's post about marriage also, but once again, I thought it would be "Methinks she doth protest too much."
    I have nothing to defend, but I love my husband. I'm probably one of the most self-centered creatures on this earth. Cliff puts up with me. I do love him. I didn't really know how much until he went in the hospital for open heart surgery.
    I guess you have to BE there to know that marriage can be good. Jon didn't have a very good example from his parents, as he's shared several times.

  2. There is something to be said about being together so long that you don't know what to do with yourself when you're apart. One day there's too much togetherness and you can't wait to be alone, and then you are standing by the window waiting for him to come home.

    Rein pulling. Ugh. Little things like that tend to tweak my neck, shoulders and back.

  3. My husband and I have been married for 18 years, living together for 20. We have an excellent marriage and are very happy with each other. We also know other very happy couples... and some not so happy.

    After living together in harmony for so long, roles are assigned and you do sort of lose yourself in your role. It took years before my very independent nature finally settled into my role... and letting him do his share, if that makes sense. Now... yes, it's terrifying, but I'd be lost without him. It would be like losing half of myself.

  4. Marriage is a tough one. I wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing still being "here" but then I think of all the things we've been through together. Rough spots happen in most marriages. Some end in divorce, others get through. If you're withsome that you can get through the rough times with, then it's probably a good marriage even if the times are so good sometimes.

    As for pulling the reins away, are you doing something to fix that? Or is she getting away with such behavior?

  5. I Googled the pulling reins problem. I think its called rooting. One solution was to make the horse go forward when it starts to pull the reins. Supposedly the horse can't yank its head down and move at the same time. I honestly can't remember if she only did it when we were standing still or tried it while we were moving. I'm going to talk to my instructor today as I have a private lesson. There were four of us on Friday. I thought my hands had turned arthritic overnight on Saturday until I remembered all the rein pulling.

    I think she may have been tired as she stumbled a few times also. She was out of her stall and in cross ties when I arrived at the barn so had probably been used for an earlier lesson.

    And yes, I am the Queen of Rationalization.

  6. That was a great post. Very thought provoking. My husband and I have been married 40 years in May and it has been a work in progress. Mostly really good but everyone has their rough parts. To think that no one that is married is happy is very sad. I will take being married over being alone any day of the week.

    Thanks for the award! After I finish this I am going to go copy it and put it on my sidebar.

  7. My sweetie and I dated in high school, but it wasn't until we crossed paths 20 years later that we became a couple. A great couple, I think. Sometimes someone will comment that it's sad we didn't figure it all out the first time, but honestly, we were so young I know we'd never have made it through the tough times.

  8. My husband and I have been married for 42 yrs. I was 17 he 18 when we started out. There have been some rough times with money but we pulled through and it makes you stronger. I think the thing that works best is we're friends and respect each other. It also helps that he golfs and I ride so we keep separate interests. I couldn't walk around and hit a ball as far as I could to go chase it and hit it again. This makes me crazy. Then again he'd never get on a horse. Thoughtful post.